![]() * Please note that I am not denigrating apologies. Really, do, especially if none of the above works for you. That’s always implicit, but I think I’d like to make it explicit here. What’s the consensus? Is my mental model of these things useful? Are there better analogies? Do people have other experiences and models, whether they’re compatible with what I’ve written or not?ĮTA: For additional perspectives on the topic, pease do read the comment thread. Telling them to forgive is as effective as urging them to grow a scab.† Given that, it seems to me that asking whether someone has forgiven yet is like asking them if their bleeding wound has scabbed over yet. In either case, it’s a recognition that the incident is now (primarily) in the past, notwithstanding any ongoing repercussions. It may involve trusting or interacting with the person again, or it may be a separate peace. It’s one (but, note, not the only) possible outcome of moving beyond the hurt: a way to close the accounts**. Those models really don’t match my reality.įrom what I have seen and experienced, forgiveness is a product and symptom of the healing process. Others have a vending-machine model, where the perpetrator puts their apology in and forgiveness pops out.*‡ Some people expect that forgiveness comes hand in hand with forgetfulness, and suggest that the sufferer should, rather than learning from their experiences, pretend that they did not happen. Some people expect the emotional transformation of forgiveness to just happen, perhaps after the sufferer says, “I forgive you” or lets some time pass. (That feels like a Catch:22 to me, because pressuring someone to forgive too quickly shuts down the necessary process of figuring out what actually happened.)Īs a society, we have a pretty muddy view of how to actually forgive someone. Then a failure to heal becomes the fault of a sufferer who is “refusing to forgive”. Indeed, sometimes the topic becomes a way to blame the sufferer and make the perpetrator the victim: why haven’t you forgiven them? How can you do that to them?įorgiveness can be prescribed like a medicine. If the sufferer doesn’t forgive fast enough, this lack can become a stick to beat them with. One is supposed to work toward forgiveness, choose to forgive, be forgiving. So often, the social expectation is that someone who suffers harm will forgive the perpetrator. In addition to continuing our current conversations (which I do read and witness, even when I haven’t the wherewithal to post), I wanted to open up a topic we’ve dealt with in the threads over time, but never really tackled head-on: forgiveness. I’m awed and humbled at what these conversations and this community have done in that time. But on the upside, today is the fifth Dysfunctional Families Day. Family holidays lurk on the calendar like, well lurking things. ![]()
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